Valley of the Dead, 2020

AKA 'Malnazidos.'

 

    In order to avoid being executed, a smart-assed captain is sent on a suicide mission to deliver intel across ‘no man’s land’ in a war-strewn Spanish countryside. 

Teamed with a private awaiting execution for desertion as his driver, Captain Lozano sees a plane shot down overhead and decides to aid the parachuting pilot. On their way, the two are captured by some freedom-fighters, and soon the group is attacked by the fallen pilot: dead, legless, and covered in a strange blue dust.

After surviving another attack of the undead, an uneasy alliance is formed and the group heads towards a ‘safe house’ in the woods, only to find it occupied. After a Tarantino-esque Mexican standoff, they form a slightly larger, and significantly uneasier alliance comprised of fascists, anarchists, a Russian, an American, a Muslim, and even a shotgun-totin’ Catholic nun!

Once the safe house proves to be not so safe, the ragtag collection of would-be heroes decides to find out what the hell is actually happening!

       Okay! So, the Zombies: Despite being of Nazi origin, these are straight-up Romeros. Oh sure, their Zombie make-up is minimal, but they adhere to all five of the Rules of Romero; 1) they are recently deceased, 2) shambolic and lack any intelligence, 3)they eat the flesh of the living, 4) they transmit zombism by bites, and 5) they can only be stopped by destroying the brain. Nice. Respect for canon.

The cast are both likable and relatable whatever their allegiance, and well portrayed. Oh, sure an action-Zombie-film cliche or two is peppered throughout, (casually walking away from an explosion, a gigantic full moon, badass women,) but still these work within the context of the film.

 

So, combined with decent production, good special effects and almost non-stop action, I really enjoyed this one. And apparently, so did the Zombie Movie Rubric. When held up against its 9 objective sets of criteria, Valley of the Dead, earned itself a 3.1 out of a possible 4.0 points. This is easily translated into a recommendation to watch!

I saw it in its ‘English dubbed’ version on Netflix, and I am sure Spanish speakers would prefer it in its original Spanish.

Go over to YouTube for, well, not actually a trailer, but a collection of scenes that give a good idea what to expect. VALLEY OF THE DEAD

Descendents, 2008

A story of mutation and evolution among Zombie Apocalypse survivors.

Narrated by and shot from the perspective of a young girl as she makes her way through the post-armageddon wasteland. The entire story is stitched together with the child’s musings and memories - flashbacks are plentiful. Actual Zombie encounters, not so much. No bother, apparently, the humans are more of a threat to the girl and her young companions. Fortunately for our diminutive protagonists, the trigger-happy military are some of the worst shots in cinematic history: Seriously, nearsighted Storm Troopers would mock these guys!

Coincidentally, the very reason the army guys are chasing the kids is the same reason the undead are NOT interested in them: these children have developed a specific mutation. And through these flashbacks we learn that the young group is traveling across the war-torn landscape to the presumed safety of the sea.

A hodgepodge assortment of camera techniques are employed to mask the ‘not-so-special’ effects: shaky cam, handhelds, Super-8 style, 1st person perspective, et cetera, to limited success. The hand-held shaky-cam in particular is so fierce that headaches will almost certainly ensue. And my apologies to the cameraman, who CLEARLY suffers from some violent nervous disorder.

Other clichéd effects include the brilliant bright, candy-apple red blood and the WAY over-used blood splatter on the camera lens shtick.

Zombies are straight-ahead Runners, but again, as no threat to the group of kids, they are not nearly as scary as they could have been.

But, the kicker is the surprise ending. The interesting and unique premise of evolution of humanity is almost completed overshadowed by film’s first real eyebrow-raising twist at its conclusion. BTW, that is not necessarily a good surprise.

So, all of the walking around from one antagonist encounter to the next, made Descendents a fairly boring experience for me. The Zombie Movie Rubric I employ for objective review ratings gave it a 1.7, with the heavy lifting awarded to 'originality within the genre.' This translates to somewhat of a recommendation, as in, if you’ve got nothing else going on, sure. But, personally, I would rate this a “Not unmissable.”

YouTube Trailer here: DESCENDENTS

Zom 100: Bucket List of the Dead, 2023

    Akiro Tendo is a zombie. Oh, not an ‘undead, flesh-eating’ zombie, but a corporate drone - an over-worked, bullied slave to the company. Once a hope-filled optimist who thought he landed his dream job, a year later he is just another burnt-out cog in the machine who dreads each morning.

And then the Zombie Apocalypse happened. And with his exploitative job gone, no one has ever enjoyed an apocalypse more.

Soon, however, horror, loss, & loneliness grips him and Tendo decides to do what he’s always wanted to do before he joins the undead: Hence, the '100 Things Bucket List.'

And so, Tendo sets out to do the list items: Ride a motorcycle, light off a fireworks display, go shopping without regard for cost, you get it. In doing so, he teams up with an old buddy, and a young woman who simply does not understand his motivation. And they embark on a road trip. A quest to the relative safety and fresh food supply of a famous aquarium. Kinda like Tokyo's equivalent of SeaWorld.

Zom 100’s actually undead zombies are great! Not so much runners, (as that would imply coordination,) but quick, twitchy, white-eyed menaces. They provide some good gore and a coupla’ decent scares. And a new element added: Stand motionless and silent and the Zs can’t detect you - Almost like a T-Rex! Interesting new twist, used effectively!

As far as ‘ZomComs’ go,  Zom 100 an optimistic, fresh take on the whole sub-genre. It’s fun and funny and has its share of scares, mostly. However, there are some SERIOUS hammed-up acting scenes littered throughout, cartoonish villain-types that might as well be wearing “EAT ME” t-shirts, and a good number of plot-holes and raised eyebrows. Still, these are mostly forgivable because the main protagonists are engaging and likable.

And then, well, from the arrival at the aquarium on, things get a bit difficult to watch, and the biggest WTF moment, and utter suspension of reality waddles in. Surprisingly, the film embraces thing new element and really prolongs its screen-time despite its improbability and sheer ridiculosity! (Yeah, I said “ridiculosity!”) 

    The entire third act seemed like it undid a lot of what the first two set up, and left me feeling a bit lukewarm on the film, and a bit frustrated in general.

And then, whatever the hell this thing is.

So, I just left the grading up to the Zombie Movie Rubric to do the dirty deed. Surprisingly, the ZMR served up a 2.33, (out of 4,) stars, which translates to a recommendation to watch.  I, however, NEED to provide a caveat: Extreme silliness does ensue! 

Perhaps I need to addend my rubric.

In short, goofy fun, but definitely not to be taken too seriously. 

Anyways, there is a YouTube Trailer that provides enough spoilers for you to make an informed decision on ‘to see, or not to see.’   

                    ZOM 100: Bucket List Of The Dead

Zombie Games, 2020

  It’s 2021 and the Corona Virus has mutated. People are dying only to turn into zombies and attack people. U.S. President Donald Trump proposes a solution - His underground bunker, ‘Little Washington,’ can hold 250,000 people, so he creates a ‘skills-based’ competition to see who can join him in there for safety, while the army nukes the country. 

Oh, and produced, directed, and starring Linnea Quigley!

I know! Right!?! A nice original premise with a promise of something interesting. 

        Yeah. That’s the bait. The switch: This turd. The idea in the synopsis above is the only good thing about this movie.

First, the zombies: Scenes of the undead were clearly computer generated and their inconsistencies imply that they were copied from other sources. Video game zombies were more realistic looking 15 years ago! Plus the undead only really appear in the exposition "News Reel" portion at the start of the movie.

That's right! There are no zombies in the games!!!

Speaking of the games - There were only 6 contestants. Yes. SIX! They are released into wooded area where a knife, a gun, and a bottle of water are stashed. They must survive and kill the other contestants to win a place of safety.

Of course, all of the contestants are unlikeable and deserving of their fates, Ms. Quigley among them. 

        Their scenes are all shown through shaky, nauseating, personal body cams, or too-distant drone footage. And to make the drone footage more realistic, the much too loud and irritating drone noise is audible almost constantly.

To also appear like a TV game show, many scenes are show in only a fraction of the screen, with random, unexplained graphics or lit boxes shown alongside, making an already difficult to watch film actually more difficult!

The Trump footage was from actual press conferences until he described the zombie mutation. At this point, static partially concealed a superimposed mouth, while a poor imitation of him was dubbed in with the dialog. Another laugh from a movie NOT trying to be funny.

Oh, and P.S., if you are a fan of Donald Trump, prepare to dislike this even more, he is not portrayed here heroically.

So, from the lack of zombies, crappy CGI graphics, bad acting, no logic, unpleasant characters, uneven pacing, undeveloped plot, and the most cringe-inducing game-show host ever,  I must admit, I disliked this. A lot! It was not even fun to watch. But my wife wouldn’t let me turn it off, though. She was punishing me for making her watch this, and we were in it to the end!

But using the ZMR for a less personal rating, Zombie Games earned itself a generous 0.77 out of a possible score of 4. This gets itself an “Avoid At All Costs” recommendation.

    This deserves to be reiterated: Avoid this movie! Avert, bypass, circumvent, dodge, eschew, keep away from, refrain from, shirk, shun, steer clear of, and try to resist the temptation of watching it just to see how bad it could possibly be. Bad.

    If you wanna see Linnea Quigley in a Zombie movie, go watch ‘Return Of The Living Dead’ again.

This YouTube trailer is MORE than enough of this flick. ZOMBIE GAMES

Dead Eyes Open, 2006

  A group of friends celebrate their graduation by ditching their cell phones, laptops and tech, and going on a wilderness getaway. Destination: Empty Gas Tank. Soon, they find themselves by a remote forest near a river for some camping and fishing.

While stepping off to pee, one of the group, Christin, meets a woman carrying a shovel looking for her husband to bring him home. A little later, she returns to the group with a story of being bitten by that man.

The following day, the young group enjoy their surroundings: fishing, swimming, cards by the fire, et cetera. Then, just as a small stack of leaflets gets hooked on the line, (with warning of attacks from the deceased, BTW,) Christin screams from her sleep. And boy! Is she is looking rough! They decide to cut the vaca short, find the house Christin spoke of, and hopefully, get some help! 

As the small group changes, little by little, from vacationers to banquet items, they realize they chose a bad time for a road trip.

Shot in Ultra-Low quality, 8mm film, with graininess and splices, and occasional color changes, Dead Eyes Open seems like a a lost, unrestored, movie from the early '70s, despite the cellphones, styles, et cetera. This ragged film quality actually adds to the atmosphere, (as well as makes special effects and make-up seem more convincing!

Also, the movie is in German, with subtitles. This may actually help to hide any acting shortcomings from the living cast, (not that I noticed any). But the story is straightforward enough - what dialog there is isn’t overly intrinsic to the movie.

Despite the dated effects, or more likely, due to them, Dead Eyes Open has a great, creepy feel to it. Some decent suspense and scares, and enough blood and gore to scratch any Z-fans itch.

I think a lot of decisions in making this were quite clever. There is an overall feel of a vintage horror movie here, and the inclusion of the TV Scientist, played by George A. Romero, himself, is inspired!

    But how does this subtitled, Super-8 sleeper stack up against The Zombie Movie Rubric? Well, buoyed by the cast of characters and the ‘straight-up Romeros’ zombies, but dragged back down by special effects and film quality, (be it accidental or calculated,) the ZMR gave Dead Eyes Open a rating of 2.3 out of 4 points! Which is above average and worthy of a recommendation!

R.I.P. Studios Trailer on ze "DuRohr" here: DEAD EYES OPEN

P.S. - R.I.P.  Productions seem to have a few more 'Old School" zombie films! Here is there website:  rip-independent.de