Night of the Comet, 1984

 

It’s 11 days until Christmas in Southern California in the mid 1980s, and a comet, not seen in our solar system in 65 million years returns to be visible from Earth. In typical 1984 fashion, ‘Comet Viewing Parties’ are everywhere!

18-yearold Valley Girl/military brat, Regina, decides instead to spend the night with her shallow coworker/boyfriend, Larry, in the projection booth of the theatre where the two work.

In the morning, (after ‘The Night of the Comet,’) Larry goes out looking for someone he illegally rented a film to. Streets are all empty, except for clothes and red dust. Then suddenly, Larry gets attacked. 

Great attention to detail: Look at the fake nails!

Locked out now, Reggie goes out looking for Larry and gets attacked by the same assailant. Reg karates the thing off, and jumps on Larry’s motorbike and heads home, only to find her her pep-squad kid sis completely oblivious to the apocalypse. How could have stopped when the DJ on the radio said nothing and is acting like everything is fine?

So, the two decide to shift their shoulder pads and big hair to the local radio station to find out. Here they meet Hector, and after a gunpoint standoff and a racial slur or two, the sisters team up with the equally fluffy-haired trucker. After they talk things over, (and with a little romantic tension,) Hector decides to go see if his family is still alive. So, with his tight Jordaches and big ol' aviators, he splits, promising to return soon.

Cut to a military bunker of scientists and survivalists. They are working on a method to cure, (or at least slow,) the effects on those who weren’t vaporized by the comet. Scientists argue over treatments, and the wisdom of retrieving other survivors, and eventually reach  a decision to go collect the girls, (who broadcasted their whereabouts over the radio!!!)

The two factions meet up, and the vast differences in their agendas becomes more evident.

Okay. Enough with the synopsis. Lets talk zombies. Well, they are very minimal! Apparently, the Zombism is the end stage of a decaying process. This was contracted by those with only minimal exposure to the comet’s effects, (while those in steel shelters were apparently safe!) The Z’s can talk and think, but they still hunt for the living. They aren't necessarily dead, shambolic, or even contagious! So, the word 'zombie' might not even apply!

A good budget and decent acting manage to buoy the rating on this one, but genuine scares, like the undead, are all too few.

And  WOW! This movie has SUCH an eighties vibe, with its technology, wardrobe, hairstyles, and music! The soundtrack is basically a sampler remix of synth riffs fillers from that era’s action/adventure/ comedies movies like ‘Fletch,’ ‘Gremlins,’ and ‘Beverly Hills Cop.’ You know what I mean, as soon as you hear it, you know.

But I had gone looking for an ‘80s Zombie movie, and this one always comes up in people’s lists, and usually with high ratings and recommendations. I can only assume a lot of this is nostalgia-based. I mean, it was watchable. Not unenjoyable, but I would not have given this one any higher than an average.

But I held it up to the Zombie Movie Rubric to see how it rated objectively. Predictably, budget, acting, and characters lifted this up, where it ran fairly neutral in most categories. In the end, the ZMR rated The Night Of The Comet at a 2.11 of out 4.0 stars. 

I can’t give it an honest recommendation, though. It’s really not much of a horror flick- Devoid of any real blood or gore, light on violence, and only an occasional zombie threat. I mean, it wasn’t terrible, just an almost, but not quite, ’80’s, PG-13, zombie movie.

YouTube’s trailer is probably convincing enough for a fan to watch, or not to watch. Here: THE NIGHT OF THE COMET

The Children, 1980

 

Well, Kaufman, Hertz, and the Troma Team are back with an unique new take on a then-still fairly young genre! Oh, hey! Pun!

So, synopsis: In the fictitious town of Ravensback, Massachusetts, a school bus carrying five children passes through a noxious yellow cloud that was emitted from a haphazardly repaired nuclear plant. Result - The Children become atomic, undead, killing machines!!!

Now, before you get too excited, I should explain. Way back in 1980, Troma decided to do a 180º revamp on the Zombie Genre… Well, maybe not 180º, but a solid 90º left! 

You see, the children-zombies kill by touching. They call out “Mama,” (or whatever the intended victim’s name is,) and reach out for an apparent hug. The resulting embrace leaves the victim smoldering, and dead, and covered with what appear to be radiation burns. So, there's that.

What’s more, the dead stay dead - there is no Zombism transference.

The children-zombies ARE dead, (as Sheriff Billy proved by blasting 9-year-old Jenny through the chest without a second's  hesitation!) but retain some consciousness, as evidenced by the aforementioned calling out for loved ones, and evading and hiding when being hunted. Aside from this, they tend to move in a nice, creepy, silent-corpsey way.

And, in a very bizarre twist of events, however, they can only be killed by the cutting off their hands! Yup. You read that right, the hands.

You see, in full Zombie, hunting-mode, the children-zombie’s fingernails are black. When sleeping, dead, or ‘disarmed,’ (see what I did there?) their nails are the natural color. No notice of this was made by victims or survivors, but a show of this was made of this for the viewers' attention.

So what we get here is a very unusual entry into the genre, with the term ‘Zombies’ is used in a "well, technically,"-type of definition. The Children does display a fairly unique premise, (even if the ‘toxic waste’ thing is pretty cliché by now,) and some genuinely suspenseful moments. 

    Also, the acting was decent and no overtly stupid decisions were made to progress the story, (obviously a pet peeve of mine.) The film moved along nicely, and despite being a Troma production, the kills were mostly bloodless and gore-free. And, hey! We even get a 'Stronghold attempt' scene! 

On The Zombie Movies Rubric, The Children racked up a solid 2 out of 4 points. This may not be what your common Zombie Movies fan is looking for, but as a late-night, early 80s, hour flick, it’s an enjoyable watch.

YouTube video of the movie trailer, here: The Children

Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave, (2005)

 

 

   Peter Coyote returns, (albeit, briefly,) this time trying to sell off his stock of Trioxin-5 to some rather shady foreign agents. 

Cut to a month or so after his sale attempts goes awry, (*SPOILER, and he gets killed!) and we find his next of kin is going through his stuff. When college student nephew, Julian, and his girlfriend, Jenny find another barrel of the Trioxin, they decide to have his chemistry major/genius buddy, Cody, check it  out. Unbeknownst to Julian, their stoner pal, Jeremy, ingests some of the materials, and trips out - Hard. 

Upon regaining his senses, Jeremy and Cody decide that this is exactly what their college's student body needs - A new drug, (cue the Huey Lewis.) 

All these kids need is Scooby Doo!

Soon, (and I mean REALLY soon!) the pair have created, packaged, and marketed their new hallucinogenic with a drugs network that would absolutely shame Walter White!

Well, the drug, (lovingly named ‘Z’) turns kids into zombies. And those zombies turn kids into zombies, and so on, and so on. But as most Z is consumed at a VERY professionally thrown Halloween Rave, no one seems to notice the mayhem.

Zombie Clown? Yeah, we have one.

Eventually, it is up to Julian and his friends, and a pair of thick-accented Keystone InterPol agents to attempt to control the situation.

Comrades!

So, an improbable set of circumstances, and an unlikely cohort of friends with implausible skillsets, take on zombies caused by a drug. And, despite this, the biggest surprise is that this movie is better than the previous two in the franchise!!!

I mean, yes, it has its tongue firmly in cheek, and the suspension of reality needed is super-high, (not even counting the zombies!) but there is at least a consistency - a cohesiveness to the logic, or lack thereof.

A very bleak and unrealistic portrait of college culture in 2005 is painted, too, but the soundtrack, although dated by today’s standards, DOES help to convey the early millennia party mentality, for better or worse.

The zombies, although mostly Russos, (see Zombie Classification Chart,) but are no longer nigh indestructible. They can be dispatched by a headshot, à la Romeros! They still say ‘Brains!’ and chase victims, but seem less intelligent than in previous “Return’ films. 

The ZMR  (Zombie Movie Rubric,) gave it a 2.0 out of 4, (which is way below the brilliant original,) but sits it squarely in the middle of the RotLD entries. True, aimed mostly toward millennials, it reads as plain goofy fun. 

It also marks the end of the Return of the Living Dead franchise. 

Here is the YouTube vid of the official trailer:
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: RAVE TO THE GRAVE

Cooties, (2014)

 

    Elijah Wood plays a summer-school substitute teacher who, on his first day, has a student attack and bite a classmate in a rabid fit on the worst Monday ever.

As the virus spreads student to student via both bites and scratches, it becomes known that the transformation to the undead/infected only affects those who have not yet gone through puberty. Very quickly, it is virtually a children versus adults fight to the death in a middle school. 

Oh yeah, there’s also a very awkward love triangle/jealousy-thing between first-day sub, Clint, (Wood,) Lucy, a woman with whom Clint to school, (Alison Pill,) and her boyfriend, the over-testosteroned gym teacher, Wade, (Rainn Wilson.) This dynamic makes working together to survive a bit tricky.

The humor stays really dark and the violence level high with vivid attacks, dismembering, and devouring of the faculty, and with the surviving teachers staving in the heads of the schoolchildren with hockey sticks, cymbals, fire extinguishers, and even other kids. So, be prepared for an above average shock factor. Actually, the gore level isn’t all that high, but the opening chicken-processing montage is fairly disgusting. Just power through it.

The zombie children, (zomblings?) seem to be mostly a cross between Russos and Runners in nature, (see Zombie Classification Chart,) - running and playing at recess when no adults are around to eat, and setting traps and displaying some residual intelligence when on the hunt.

    Being set on a summer-school school day, the atmosphere is obviously delicate: Bright and cheerful outside, but darkened corridors within, (a zombling cut the power.) Jump scares do come into play, about evenly divided amongst gore and suspense. But with this cast and scenario, this horror/comedy definitely leans toward the comedy, perhaps more so than Zombieland, and even Shawn of the Dead!

    Still and all, a big name cast, a great budget, and most importantly, an original idea for this genre all add up well for Cooties. According to the ZMR Rubric, Cooties scored a 3.33 points out of a possible 4. This translates to a highly recommended watch. 

Still on the fence? Well, there are many trailers on Youtube to help you decide! COOTIES 

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, (2016)

   Few things can make a movie more tolerable like low expectations. The lion’s share of these expectations and preconceived opinions for me stem primarily from Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’ trailers - Looking so much like a ‘Hansel and Gretel,’ (2013) or  ‘Van Helsing,’ (2004) or ‘Brothers Grimm,’ (2005) or any other classically-based story ‘modernized’ for today’s audiences, with hip, and stylish young actors looking cool and engaging in all sorts of parkour-esque moves while glibly dispensing witticisms. 

    Okay, I admit, I have NOT seen any of those films, so it isn’t fair of me to judge, but those are the reasons why I won’t. 

   To my great surprise, however, ‘P&P&Z’ does not play like one of those blatantly anachronistic examples of millennial-targeting cinema. Moreover, it attempts to maintain some sort of an albeit tenuous grasp on Jane Austen’s original storyline, following the five Bennet sisters’ pursuit of an appropriate, socially-mobile, husband before their spinster years of the late twenties.

     The obvious difference in the story is the whole ‘zombie apocalypse’ thing that’s going on. Which, to be honest, has a cool backstory of its own. 

     Through an illustrated narrative, it is revealed that in the alternative reality in which Pride And Prejudice And Zombies is set has been dealing with the zombie virus for close to a century. Structures, fortifications, and general precautions are commonplace as the undead are now a part of life. This provides a nice element in the film with the living discussing the undead in an almost blasé manner, such as the family talking about how to remove zombie blood from marble.

The main cast is so entrenched in the prim and proper Regency Period-styles and mannerisms that the contrast of zombie fighting seems pretty far-fetched. But the story does mention the training of young people in the arts of the East as part of a “proper education,” as a way to blend these skills into the whole period’s mentality.

    I was particularly impressed with the choice of zombie styles in this movie: Russo-style zombies, a la ‘Return of the Living Dead.’ A rarely seen zombie type in films these days, ‘Russos’ (See my Zombie Classification Chart for more on this!) can talk, think and even set traps for the living. They attempt to blend into society for the sole purpose of feeding on people. Heck, they even feast on brains! That last part plays a key role in the film, too, with a small creative departure from the Russo-style.

    Lastly, former-Time Lord Matt Smith absolutely steals every scene he is in. His foppish Parson Collins provides some comic relief without being blatant or cartoonish.

    So, yeah! I enjoyed this entry into the genre, against my expectations! I then held it up to my Zombie Movies Rubric and found it scored an admirable 2.75 out of 4, uh, Stars? Points? Bites? (I should really have a scoring standard in place.) 

    In any case, 2.75 translates to a “definitely worth a rental” recommendation. 

Slightly too hip and stylish music-video-style trailer from the YouTubes: PRIDE & PREJUDICE & ZOMBIES

Aw, heck! Have another:
 PRIDE & PREJUDICE & ZOMBIES

Return of the Living Dead, Part 3, (1993)

     Rebellious young Curt kills his angsty, young girlfriend, Julie, in a motorcycle accident, but since his dad is a U.S. general in charge of the Trioxin Project, (to turn corpses into super-soldiers,) Curt decides to reanimate Julie and the inevitable mishaps ensue. 

    Loads of overacting, lots of yelling, and so much bad decision-making play out in a constant chase-and-be-chased game of gore. There are some good special effects, (and FINALLY no party music during zombie attacks,) but these can't save this film. Unlikeable characters, unrealistic scenarios, and unoriginal plot all score low marks. It is only the production, (when compared to the plethora of crap amateur and/or low-budget zombie flicks out there,) that make this even watchable. Not for sober viewing. 

     When held up to the harsh grey light of my Zombie Movies Reviews Rubric, Return...3 tallied up to a 1.75. 

     This is clearly for fans of the franchise only... And forgiving ones at that.

See for yourself here on this YouTube video of the original movie trail! RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, PART 3

Return of the Living Dead, Part 2, (1988)

Get ready to open a fresh can.

    The brain-hungry undead are back in an almost carbon-copy remake/sequel of the first Return, right down to the James Karen/Thom Matthews alive-but-dying duo! 

     As a blatant copy, it lacks originality. Its most obvious defect, however, is its characters. Awful, awful people. And always yelling! (Drinking game idea: do a shot every time someone shouts "What's going on?" or "We gotta get outta here!" This certainly will make the movie more enjoyable, anyways!) Every character was annoying and unlikeable, and NOT in a good way like the crew of misfits from Return, Part 1! (Except Philip Brun's 'Dr. Mandel.' Him, I liked. Go figure.)

     So, no points for originality, even though the movie did introduce electricity as a way to kill the living dead, where previously, nothing did, short of total cremation. (True, on a logical level, electricity to kill the living dead makes no sense, but really? Let's not draw that line here. Just accept it for the movies sake. It has enough going against it already!)

     Horror factors take a back seat, and scary scenes are again compromised but the insertion of a pop/punk soundtrack, (yet another carry-over from Part 1!) My mute button helped bring back some creepy!

     Production, acting, pacing, SPFX, and some more decent-looking zombies flipped the right switches on the Zombie Movie Rubric, to bring in a GENEROUS 2.5 out of a possible 4.0.

     YouTube has the official movie trailer here: RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, PART 2  

And very cool poster art.